WELCOME! THIS IS A PAGE WITH GOOD CLEAN JOKES ON IT. THEY ARE MEANT TO TICKLE YOUR FUNNY BONE AND HELP YOU ENJOY LIFE. THERE IS NOTHING OFFENSIVE ON THIS PAGE. I BELIEVE YOU CAN HAVE GOOD CLEAN FUN. DON'T YOU?
BILL GATES JOKE
God finally had enough and decided to end the world. However He wanted to warn the people so He gathered Bill Clinton, Fidel Castro and Bill Gates into one room and told them of His plan and to go out and inform the world. President Clinton immediately appeared on CNN and told the U.S. "I have good news and bad news. The good news is, there IS a God. The bad news is He is going to end the world. Fidel Castro went to the Communist network and told them. "I have bad news and worse news. The bad news is, despite what we have taught all these years, there IS a God. The worse news is, He is upset." Bill Gates turned to the internet and informed the world. I have good news and better news... The good news is, God thinks I am one of the three most important people on earth... the better news?..... I won't have to upgrade Windows 98........
BURGLAR BIRD
A robber breaks into the house of a family just after they left to go to church one evening. He is rummaging through the upstairs rooms when he hears a voice saying,"Jesus is watching you!" He is puzzled, and thinks maybe the family has come home. He sneaks downstairs and, seeing nobody, starts pulling through the silver cabinet. Again, right behind him , he hears, "Jesus is watching you!" He freezes, and slowly turns around with his arms up. But there is nobody there. Puzzled, he turns his flashlight on and shines it in the direction of the voice. He sees a big birdcage. Inside it sits a big parrot. "Bwaak...Jesus is watching you!" the parrot calls. The robber laughs and says, "Oh, I suppose your name is Jesus, huh little birdie?" "Bwak...no."says the bird "My name is Moses." "Moses!?!" says the robber. "What kind of sick people name their bird Moses?" "Bwak....the same sick people that named their pit bull 'Jesus'".
COMMUNICATION PROBLEM
A woman sees a lawyer about a divorce. He asks, Any grounds? Woman: yeah, about 2 acres. Lawyer: Do you have a grudge ? Woman: No, we have a car port. Lawyer: Does your husband beat you up in the morning ? Woman: No,I get up before him. Agitated lawyer: Well, do you or don't you want a divorce ? Woman: No, my husband wants it...he says he can't communicate with me !
A FARMER AND HIS PIG
A farmer and his pig were driving down the road when a cop pulled him over. The cop asked the farmer, "Didn't you know it is against the law to ride with a pig in the front of you truck?" The farmer replied, "No, I didn't knowed that." The cop ask the farmer where he was going and he said, "To Memphis". The cop said, "I will let you off the hook this time if you promise to take the pig to the zoo when you get to Memphis." So the farmer promised he would. Several days later the cop spotted the farmer with the pig driving down the road and he pulled him over again. The cop said "I thought I told you to take this pig to the zoo when you got to Memphis" and to this the farmer replied "I did and we had so much fun, I taking him to Kings Island now".
THREE WOMEN ON AN ISLAND
Three women are stranded on an island. One woman tripped over something. She looks down and sees a lamp. The girls rub the lamp and to their astonishment, a Genie pops out. "I will grant you 3 wishes, but since there of three of you, you will each get one wish." The first girl says, "I want to be strong enough to swim to shore." The Genie snapped his fingers, and the girl set out. Not 15 feet off the island, a shark came and ate her. The second girl says, "I want to be skilled enough to create something that will get me off the island." With that, the Genie snapped his fingers, giving the girl some logs and string, and she made a raft and set out. When she was 15 feet off shore, the tide grew strong, and the raft capsized, killing her. The third girl thought long and hard, when finally she came up with her wish. "I wish to be smart enough to find a way off the island." The Genie snapped his fingers, and she turned into a man and took the bridge.
DRIVING HAZARD
Two elderly women were out driving in a large car, both could barely see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along they came to an intersection. The stoplight was red but they just went on through.The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself, "I must be losing it, I could have sworn we just went through a red light." After a few more minutes they came to another intersection and the light was red again and again they went right through it. This time the woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the light had been red but was really concerned that she was losing it. She was getting nervous and decided to pay very close attention to the road and the next intersection to see what was going on. At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was definitely red and they went right through it again. She turned to the other woman and said, "Mildred, did you know we just ran through three red lights in a row!!! You could have killed us! Mildred turned to her and said, "Oh shoot, am I driving?"
BLONDE JOKE
BLONDE JOKE 2
There was a beautiful young blonde who was going to a soda machine and she arrived there just before a business man coming to quench his thirst. She opened her purse and put in 50 cents, studied the machine a little, pushed a Diet Coke selection, and out came a Diet Coke which she placed on a counter by the machine. Then she reached in her purse again and pulled out a dollar and inserted it in the machine. Studying the machine carefully, she pushed the button for Coke Classic and out came a Coke Classic and 50 cents change. She immediately took the 50 cents and put it in the machine, studied it for a moment and pushed the Mountain Dew button. Out came a Mountain Dew. As she was reaching into her purse again, the business man who had been waiting patiently for several minutes now spoke up. "Excuse me Ms. but are you done yet?" She looked at him and indignantly replied: "Well Duhhh!, I'm still winning"
CAN I BORROW YOUR DOG?
A woman was leaving a 7-11 with her morning coffee when she noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery. A long black hearse was followed by a second long black hearse about 50 feet behind. Behind the second hearse was a solitary woman walking a German Shephard dog on a leash. Behind were 200 women walking single file. The woman couldn't stand the curiosity. She respectfully approached the woman walking the dog and said, "I am so sorry for your loss, and I know now is a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral like this. Whose funeral is it?" The woman replied, "Well, that first hearse is for my husband." "What happened to him?" The woman replied, "My dog attacked and killed him." She inquired further, "Well, who is in the second hearse?" The woman answered, "My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my husband when the dog turned on her." A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence passes between the two women. "Can I borrow the dog?" "Get in line."
GETTING NOWHERE FAST
A man sees in the street two workers performing the following procedure: The first one is digging a ditch, and the second one, a few feet behind is covering the ditch with the the sand that was just dug out. After watching them for a while he could not resist his curiosity and he went to ask them what they are doing and what was the goal in their work. "This is very simple, mister" said one of the workers. "Usually we are a team of three: One digs, the other puts communication cable into the ditch and the third one covers it. Unfortunately, the guy who puts the cables into the ditch is sick today, so we are doing the best we can."
WHICH BUS?
A drunken man gets on the bus late one night, staggers up the aisle, and sits next to an elderly woman. She looks the man up and down and says, I've got news for you. "You're going straight to hell!" The man jumps up out of his seat and shouts, "Dang, I'm on the wrong bus!"
REST IN PEACE
A new business was opening and one of the owner's friends wanted to send flowers for the occasion. They arrived at the new business site and the owner read the card; it said "Rest in Peace". The owner was angry and called the florist to complain. After he had told the florist of the obvious mistake and how angry he was,the florist said. "Sir, I'm really sorry for the mistake, but rather than getting angry you should imagine this: somewhere there is a funeral taking place today, and they have flowers with a note saying, "Congratulations on your new location.
